I pace the floor, my mind going a
mile a minute, while the rest of the world sleeps. There is no rest for me
because I am not like the others. I have a responsibility. So much to do. So
little time. It is all up to me.
I light a candle and the flames
make dancing shadows on the walls, in sync with Mozart’s Requiem. Pure,
beautiful music: the way life should be. Not like the mindless trash I hear
thumping from car stereos these days, screaming words of profanity. Quality has
virtually disappeared and in its place? Quantity.
People want more and they want it now.
They insist on instant gratification. Fast food. Faster everything. They drive
their cars like lunatics, virtually riding the bumper of the car in front of them,
urging the driver to go faster or get out of their way. They risk other
people’s lives so they can get home two minutes earlier. And for what? To sit
in front of the television set staring mindlessly at nothing, nothing of any
value. It is sinful!
The world is a terrible place. God
should be first! No one puts God first anymore. If they would turn their lives
over to Him, they would be saved. But some refuse to be saved. Instead, they go
about their pathetic lives, thinking only of themselves. What do I want and what do I have to do to get it? They use sex to manipulate others. Women haunt
bars and flaunt their scantily clad bodies to get what they want. They have no
family values, no morals. Adultery, abortion: atrocities against God.
Some people don’t deserve to live.
They do not even care that their immoral acts, their lack of common decency, their
selfishness, harms everyone around them. That has to stop. I have to stop it. It
is all up to me. God has spoken to me. He has chosen me to carry out His work
and He has shown me The Way. I know what needs to be done and, to honor Him, I
will do His will. People have to pay for their sins. I will make them pay.
Actually, the deed itself is almost
always so easy. People are creatures of habit. They leave their doors unlocked
when they walk out to get the morning paper or take out the garbage, never
thinking that someone might be watching them, just waiting for an opportunity. They
assume that “it” will never happen to them. But, for some, it will. I will see
to it.
I must be the strong one. In the
time I have left here, I must do my part to save at least this little corner of
the world. And I must be careful. I must plan everything in advance, down to
the smallest detail. Timing is of the utmost importance. I must be patient. It
all comes down to control: self-control. I must suppress the rage inside me.
I need to play my role perfectly. I
must continue to do all the things that are expected of me. Never show anyone
the way I feel. I must say all the right words. Do all the right things. It is
all up to me. No one must suspect me. No one must ever know. I cannot afford to
make any mistakes. That would ruin everything. They would never understand and
they would try to stop me. Then, there would be no one to carry out God’s work.
It is sad enough that, when I’m gone, there will be no one left to rid this
neighborhood of the human garbage.
I blow out the candle,
extinguishing its life and pray for a few hours of sleep before dawn. I will
not have to wait much longer. I can feel it.
It is almost time again.
