Sunday, April 20, 2014

Confrontation


I think it’s safe to say that most people don’t like confrontation. I completely understand that because I’m one of those people. I would love a world where I never had to confront anyone about anything. Unfortunately, I don’t live in a world like that and neither do you. At times, people are going to say and do things that hurt our feelings and/or make us angry and, if we confront them, although things may or may not turn out the way we’d hoped, we've taken a huge step in building our self-esteem.

Of course, there are people who choose to avoid confrontation. There are those who say what they think we want to hear instead of having the courage to tell the truth. Others, simply nod their heads as if they agree with us. I don't trust those people. I prefer to interact with people who say what they mean and mean what they say - with kindness and tact, whenever possible.

When someone offends us, we have a decision to make. Do we ask them what they meant by what they said or did and talk it out (sometimes people don’t mean things the way we take them) or do we refuse to deal with it? If we choose the latter, we’re going to have problems because, if something really bothers us and we pretend it doesn’t, there will be repercussions.

1. Some people turn those feelings inward, rather than dealing with them, setting themselves up for depression because they've refused to stand up for themselves and they've allowed someone to mistreat them. 
2. Some let resentments build up and, sooner or later, they're going to explode. Not necessarily on the person who offended them; it’s usually someone close to them who they feel will tolerate their abuse. 
3. Some would rather end a relationship, even a close and/or long standing one, and walk away rather than confront someone to attempt to resolve the issue. How sad is that?

So, how does this topic relate to writing? We can use it to show the growth of our characters. For example, in my Malone Mystery series, Ann Kern is married to an alcoholic and, in the first book, Mixed Messages, she is nervous and leery of confronting her husband, David. One reviewer referred to her as “wimpy.” And, while I wouldn't use that word to describe Ann, she is timid and non-assertive – at first - but there's a reason for that.  Alcoholism affects the family members of alcoholics in different ways, depending on their personalities, and Ann, who was raised by an alcoholic father and a passive mother, learned to adapt to her situation in order to avoid David's rage.

Fortunately, Ann began to attend Alanon meetings and, as the series progresses, she’s learning how to overcome the effects of the disease and to stop “walking on eggs” with David. In other words, Ann grows. I hope you’ll follow her journey as she becomes a more assertive woman and gets involved in a few mysteries along the way.
 

8 comments:

  1. Happy Easter to you, Pat. Good post. Confrontation is the essence of conflict, and conflict is the sine qua non of good story. Like you, I tend to avoid conflict in my life, but in my writing and in my reading, bring it on.

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    1. Happy Easter to you too, John!
      I might not enjoy confrontation but I've learned that it's one of those necessary evils in life. If I don't deal with things, they'll come back to bite me!

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  2. Writing can be very therapeutic. Maybe that's why some of us write. I agree with you whole-heartedly, and I like the fact that Anne is growing throughout the series. Excellent post!
    Marja McGraw

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    1. You're absolutely right, Marja.Writing can be therapeutic. I'm sure that's what prompted me to write this post. Unfortunately, I've had to deal with some "difficult" people lately but I'm happy to report that I held my own!
      Happy Easter!

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  3. Most of us would probably prefer to avoid confrontation. But life isn't perfect. If it were, life would soon become tedious and we'd miss the joy of making up with those we've offended or who have offended us. Good post, Pat.

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    1. You know what, John? I could use a little more "tedious" in my life. Sometimes, it seems like the "difficult" people come crawling out of the woodwork. LOL

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  4. This is a great book in the series. What's up next for Ann and friends?

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    1. Thanks, Sharon. Their new mystery will take Ann and her family to South Carolina to visit Ann's sister, Marnie.

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